Tis The Season

There are seasons to motherhood. This is one thing I have learned. I am entering the teenage years with my kids. Well my oldest is already a teenager and my middle child is 12 so she is almost there. In this season there is a lot of running kids from here to there.

My  girls are both all star cheerleaders. We have competitions in different cities one to two times a month. Plus I am at the gym every evening. I also babysit a 2 year old during the day. 

I feel like I just got good at the last season of motherhood and now I am totally underwater. I am questioning every decision I have ever made for them. ( Teenagers will do that to you) . I can't seem to keep up with my housework. I just don't know how to do this anymore. I need to find my center and figure out how to make it through this season of motherhood. Anyone have any suggestions?

Blessings,

Rising Up From the Bottom

This may be one of the most personal blog posts I have ever written. I figure since no one really reads my blog I can keep it kind of like an online journal.  If you stumble upon it and it helps you then wonderful. If you don't like it then you can just keep on trucking through the net. No harm no foul. Ha ha.

Here we go...deep breath. I have been suffering from depression for almost two years now. It came from a lot of different things happening at once. I had lost my Dad about a year before I moved back to my home town. That was very hard for me . I found out though when I moved back to my home town that there was a lot of grief I had not really dealt with. Then there it was unavoidable. Right about this same time a conflict with a close friend who was also my family member erupted with unimaginable fury.  I was totally blindsided. So now not only was I dealing with intense grief but also the added grief of family conflict and losing someone I thought was a friend. The family conflict went on for two years. We were  alienated from the family in the end. Top all of this off with breaking both of my ankles nine months apart and you can see why it would start to get you down. Plus a teenager. lol

I didn't notice it too much at first and I would never have dared to call it depression. However, six months ago I found myself unable to deny my sadness. I was sad every day. Even if I couldn't figure out why. I can barely get out of bed and I don't sleep when I am in bed. I smoke more than I ever have and cry all of the time. I am always on the verge of tears. I am exhausted and always feel like I have the flu. My body aches, my heart aches, I am overwhelmed and tired of fighting just to keep going. I have begged and prayed and it doesn't seem to get any better.

I say all of that to say this. I have come to a point where I am ready to start trying to climb out of the darkness.

So finally I have called my doctor to get back on some kind of medication. But there are also some things I want to do to help myself. So this is where I am going to list them. Mostly for my own benefit but if they help you then wonderful! The worst part of depression is being so alone. 

These are things I want to do. I am not putting a time on them or anything. I am just doing what I can when I can. The end.

Take a shower daily. ( I have really let myself go because frankly I didn't care anymore)

Brush my teeth

Get dressed

Wash my face and moisturize or put on make up

Do some kind of exercise three times a week no pressure though. I just want to feel better so I don't want to put any kind of real limits or details on this. I just want to do something.

Find something that makes me happy every day.

Read again. I used to love poetry. I haven't read poetry in so long

Find something I am grateful for every day

Make time for me. I give and give and now I am empty

let go of my past. Just let it go. NO more chewing on it or trying to figure out why I am the way I am. I acknowledge it and now its time to move on stop tripping over it.

I am sure I will add more to this as I think of it but this is good for now.

Blessings,

Into the Deep End

Yesterday I started water aerobics. This may not seem like a big deal to some but it is to me. You see in September of 2012 I broke my right ankle. I was at the gym. Unfortunately, I wasn't doing anything awesome I was just walking from one machine to the other and stepped on it wrong and broke it. Then in May of 2013 ( around 9 months later) I broke my left ankle. Again I was just walking. I was actually at Relay for Life. I was walking to registration. I didn't make a single lap before I broke my ankle.

So needless to say I have been terrified of any kind of exercise since then. It is so difficult. I still don't wear high heels. I am so terrified of breaking my ankle again. So, being active in any way is a huge step for me!

When I broke my ankle the first time I was going to curves 2-3 days a week and doing Zumba 1-2 days a week. After I broke my ankle I tried to go back to Zumba but I started too soon and was in a lot of pain and so I had to stop. I was finally starting to get to a place where I was getting a little more active when bam! I broke ankle number two!

If you don't think this messes with your whole body... you are crazy. I can't trust my body. I can't trust it to even walk to the mail box. So exercise? Forget about it! 

So it may not seem like much to you but water aerobics is a HUGE step for me. I also actually feel sore this morning. I'm really excited to get back to some kind of activity.

Tonight I have a fitness assessment with a personal trainer at the gym. I am so freaked out. I don't even know what I weigh since I broke my ankle but I know it is bad. My clothing size is much larger and I feel like a slug so I am not looking forward to the assessment part. What I am looking forward to ,however, is getting the 12 week exercise prescription. It will be tailored to me. It will be made by someone who understands my fear and my injuries. That part has me really stoked. As I tell my daughters. These athletes you are in awe of right now. They are started right where you are. They all started at the beginning.  

So here I go again. Starting at the beginning. Terrified but starting none the less. Letting my faith be greater than my fear.

Blessings,

I Had to Start Over

After my daughter started all star cheerleading my life slowly started spinning out of control. If you have never had a child in all star cheer I will fill you in. She is at the gym eight hours a week for practice and tumbling. Also starting in November until April we travel almost ever weekend for competitions. Now take all of that and add two more children. One baton twirler who also has competitions and a sixteen year old boy who ...well he is a sixteen year old boy. lol

I am a person who becomes easily overwhelmed. I am also put myself under a huge burden of being perfect at everything too. So let me paint the picture. I babysit a 16 month old Monday to Friday 8-5:30. I run children to activities every evening until around 9pm. Then every weekend we travel for competitions. Plus I have a house to keep in order where five people live. By the time April came around I was at near breakdown stage. I had fallen apart numerous times, I was never able to relax or have down time, and I felt the need to be perfect at everything. 

Also I can not say no so I am adding more to my plate all the time from church activities to whatever.

Finally I fell apart. There had to be a better way. 

Here is what I have started doing to lighten my load for the new year.

1. I am learning to say no. To my children and to others.

2. I am creating healthy boundaries.

3. I have deleted a bunch of facebook friends. 

 This isn't because I don't like them or anything like that. Many were old acquaintances that I didn't even talk to on facebook or in the real world. I just cut out the clutter. 

I am still working on lightening my load but I will tell you the main thing that I have had to do. I had to sit down and figure out what my goals were.  I had lost sight of what I was doing. I lost sight of my priorities. 

Here are my priorities

1. My God. 
I wasn't even doing what I always felt he had called me to do. Which is be a wife and mother.
I had also stopped going to church because Sunday was the only day I had free sometimes and I was so exhausted.

2. My husband.
We lost all deep and meaningful communication. It consisted of who was going where most days. I didn't see him much even though he worked at home and his home was in chaos most of the time.

3. My children. 
They were getting to their activities but most of our family time was spent in the care.

4. Everything else.
Everyone else and impressing them with my supermom powers had moved up to top priority and that is not where it should be.

One of the best things that has helped me is reading this book.



You can find it on Amazon. This book is exactly what I have been needing!

I hope this helps someone like me. 
I would love to hear your comments.


Blessings,